Pants on the Loose!
by KMK Kittens
Summary: *COMPLETE! FINALLY! YAY! We rule.* Three Middle-earth girls succesfully break up Sam & Rosie, Aragorn & Arwen, and Elrond & Celebrian. Oh, and Legolas gets a girlfriend. Rating for mentions of *ahem* and other inappropriate stuff/situations.
1. Part One

__

Disclaimer: We own nothing but our stupidity.

Authors' Notes: We are the KMK Kittens, Kathleen, Maggie, and Krystla. This story is, well, SICK and WRONG, but you'll get over it. This is meant to be funny, so don't take anything too literally.

--Kathleen, Maggie, and Krystla

****

PANTS ON THE LOOSE

By the KMK Kittens

Once upon a time there was a hobbit named Sam and he was really sweet and then Legolas came up and took off his pants. Sam was married to hobbit named Rosie but he cheated on her for three teenage girls named Kathleen, Maggie, and Krystla. Kathleen was a hobbit from the Shire; Maggie was a mortal woman from Rohan; and Krystla was an elf from Rivendell. They were all in bed with Sam one night when Legolas (still pantless) walked in and said "I want to get me some of that!" So he jumped in the bed and Krystla turned her full attention to him. Then a bunch of nasty stuff happened but we won't tell it to you because it is nasty and we don't write that kind of stuff. J 

The next day they all went to Doctor Gandalf for a check-up. Gandalf told Krystla she was pregnant with someone's child. But Krystla didn't know who the father because she had ***ahem*** with so many people! Was it Frodo? Sam? Pippin? Merry? Legolas? Or…Gimli? Dun dun dun! She asked Gandalf to do some little test thingy that would determine the father, and, surprise, surprise! It was Legolas! _"I'm ***so*** glad it wasn't Gimli,_" thought Krystla. _"Legolas is SO much hotter!"_

Suddenly a messenger from Rivendell rode up to greet them. "There is a war between some people!" he cried. "All able male Elves should go to war immediately!"

"But Haldir!" cried Krystla. "You cannot take my love from me! It's wrong! We are supposed to sail into the West and live happily ever after, until the end of days and the coming of Morgoth in Dagor Dagorath!"

"But I'm not Haldir!" said the messenger. "Or at least I think I'm not, because Haldir died at the battle of Helm's Deep in the second movie, but he wasn't supposed to. In fact, the Elves were not supposed to be at Helm's Deep at all! It symbolized the fact that the Elves as a people were dying down, and their time was over. It says that the age of Men is soon to come."

"Yeah, Peter Jackson sure messed that up," mused Maggie.

"Oh whatever!" said Kathleen. "You can't take Legolas from Krystla, because if you did, this wouldn't be the perfect Mary-sue self-insertion fanfiction!"

"Do you think I care?" asked the messenger (who WASN'T Haldir!) "Say your goodbyes, lovely Krystla, for I have come to take your one true love!"

So Legolas and Krystla said goodbye. It was tragic and heartbreaking and VERY emotional. Then they did…well, you know. We don't need to tell you because it is SICK and WRONG, but hey! Then Legolas jumped on a horse, who appeared out of nowhere to take him to war, and he rode off into the sunset, glancing back at Krystla one last time…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

After Legolas rode gallantly off into the sunset, the three girls decided it was time to part ways and go home. Kathleen stayed in the Shire with her Hobbit friends, and Maggie and Krystla rode off to their respective homes. They parted ways at Rivendell, Krystla's wonderful home. Maggie rode on to Rohan.

Maggie finally reached Edoras, and Meduseld, the Golden Halls of King Eomer. "My lord!" she cried. "I have returned from my mission to the Shire. The pipeweed market is good. We shall have many barrels of Old Toby by fall."

"Good, good!" said Eomer. "I do love my pipeweed. But now I have another mission for you, Maggie of Rohan. I want you to go to Gondor and find the King Aragorn, for I much desire to speak with him. Hurry! It is quite urgent."

So Maggie set out from Rohan on the fastest horse ever known to man, for she much desired to speak with the handsome King Aragorn too…

She arrived in Minas Tirith five days later with her hopes as high as the sky and as bright as Sauron's eye, which, of course, doesn't exist anymore, because this story is after the War of the Ring. Anyways, Maggie rode up to the guards and told them she was on business from King Eomer and she needed to speak with the King. The guards let her pass and she rode towards the palace.

She entered the castle and bowed to King Aragorn. "Your Lordship, King Aragorn of Gondor and Arnor, I am here on a mission from Eomer King of the Mark."

_[insert awkward pause here]_

It was plain that something was troubling the King. "My Lord, what is troubling you?"

The King sighed. "My beloved has betrayed me!"

"Whatever do you mean?"

"The Lady Arwen. I guess I wasn't good enough for her." He grabbed his goblet of ale and crushed it beneath his strong, rugged, manly, muscular, tanned hand. "She betrayed me for some guard of the Citadel."

"You must feel…awful," said Maggie. "I would stay and comfort you, but the King Eomer of the Mark greatly desires to speak with you, your Lordship."

"Oh, puffballs. I would rather speak with you."

"Is that an insult, or a compliment, my Lord?"

Aragorn smiled. "It is a compliment, my Lady, for I have been watching you for a long time during your service of the King Eomer."

"Then I shall stay for a little while," said Maggie.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Meanwhile, back in the Shire…

"I can't believe you cheated on me!" cried Sam. "I trusted you!"

"I can't believe you cheated on *me*!" cried Rosie. "I trusted you too!"

"Well…you cheated on me first!" argued Sam. "And besides, two of those girls meant nothing to me! Nothing!"

"And exactly how many did you betray me for?" asked Rosie under her breath.

"*cough*THREE*cough*."

"I can't hear you…"

"Three, okay? Three, three, three! I was with THREE girls! But two of them meant nothing! Absolutely nothing!" A dreamy look came over his face. "But the third…oh, the third!"

"That's it!" yelled Rosie. "Get out of my house! I am filing for a divorce!"

Sam walked dejectedly out of the house after packing up some of his most prized possessions. "Now what?" he asked himself.

Suddenly a familiar looking Hobbit lass walked by. "Sam? What are you doing out here in the cold?" she asked. (Just… ignore the fact that it's summer, okay?)

Sam lifted his head. "Kathleen? What- why- how-"

"Why don't you tell me what happened over a cup of tea at my house?" asked Kathleen.

"That would be wonderful," said Sam, perking up a bit.

So Kathleen and Samwise walked to her house, where Kathleen brewed up a cup of tea. Then Sam told her the whole story, beginning with Rosie's affair with Frodo Baggins, and ending with their divorce.

"That's so sad!" said Kathleen. "How could she do that to you? I mean, all you did was have a threesome with an Elf, a woman, and…me! That's no big deal! And besides, she left you for your best friend! Talk about backstabbing."

"I couldn't agree with you more," sighed Sam, taking a deep sip from his mug o' tea.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Meanwhile, at the house of Elrond in Rivendell…

Krystla was sitting on a windowsill, holding her stomach and crying her eyes out. She missed her dear Legolas already and it had only been seven days since his departure. She didn't even know if she would ever see him again.

_"I dearly hope he comes back alive and well,"_ she thought sadly. _"Because if he doesn't, my baby shall have no father."_

Suddenly the Lord Elrond walked into the room. "Is there anything I can do, dear Krystla, to help heal your sorrow?"

"I would much like a pastry," whispered Krystla. "Perhaps it shall remind me of my dear Legolas, for they are both sweet and tasty."

"I don't want to know, do I?" asked Elrond. "But I'm going to ask anyway: What are you talking about?"

Krystla smiled, thinking about many fond nights.

"Ewwww," said Elrond. "I should always go with my gut instinct and just not ask."

"Ahem," said Krystla. "My pastry?"

"Oh, yes, it is coming right up," said Elrond, and he went to alert the kitchens. "Ewwwww!" he murmured, one last time.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"You know, I wish I could have married someone like *you*, instead of that twimp piece of gimcrack Arwen," said Aragorn, giving Maggie a foot rub. "I can't believe she betrayed me for some stupid guard! She said the silver armor made him look 'rugged' and 'manly'. And I not 'rugged' and 'manly' enough for her?"

"You are rugged and manly enough for me," sighed Maggie. "And you sure know how to give a good foot rub!"

"Arwen never appreciated my foot rubs like you," said Aragorn. "She never appreciated *anything* I did for her. She was just a stuck up little elf girl! I can't believe I wasted so many years longing for her. But let's not talk about Arwen. Let's talk about me."

"I would love to talk about you," said Maggie.

"Good! Because I like to talk about me too. Did you know over half of the decedents' names begin with the latter 'A'?"

"I did not know that! How…fascinating! It's *so* rugged and manly."

"Why thank you!"

"You know what?"

"What, my darling Maggie?"

"We should get married!"

"I was just thinking that exact thing!" cried Aragorn. "Not only are you beautiful, and I am handsome, but it would give me chance to show up Arwen! Nobody cheats on the King of Gondor! Let's find a priest!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Meanwhile, back in the Shire… (dun dun dun!)

"My feet are aching," said Kathleen. "I've had a hard day watching all of Mrs. Bracegirdle's children."

"She sure has been productive, hasn't she?" commented Sam. "If you want, I could give you a foot rub."

"That would be wonderful…" sighed Kathleen.

So Sam gave Kathleen a wonderful foot rub, and they talked about Sam because he liked to talk, especially about himself. They talked all through the night, and in the morning, Sam whispered "I love you."

It was so sweet, and so romantic! Kathleen fell in love with the caring sweet hobbit immediately.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Here's your pastry, my lady," said Elrond, walking into Krystla's room.

"Thank you, Lord Elrond," said Krystla.

"Is there anything else I can do for you?" asked Elrond.

"Well, my feet are quite tired. Would you give me a foot rub, please, my lord?"

"Certainly." He sat down at the edge of the windowsill and began to massage Krystla's right foot.

Krystla's stared into Elrond's eyes, and thought back…

_"I remember when Legolas would give me foot rubs,"_ she thought. She gazed deeper into Elrond's eyes, and for a moment, she saw Legolas, instead of the Half-Elf sitting before her. She sighed with happiness.

But Elrond, the poor mistaken Lord of Rivendell, thought that the beautiful maiden Krystla was gazing at him. He thought she loved him, and he was happy, because… he loved her.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Will Elrond express his divine love for Krystla? Will Aragorn's plan to make Arwen jealous work? Will Legolas ever come back from the battlefront? Will Haldir come back to life and sue Peter Jackson? Will Sam and Kathleen find true love? Will Legolas ever find his pants?

These questions and more will probably not be answered in **PART II**.

(Coming soon to a fan fiction site near you!)

REVIEW! 


	2. Part Two

Once upon a time there was a bunch of strange people who liked to eat CARROTS. These people were known as the CARROTORIANS! These Carrotorians lived in a region near Rivendell. Remember that! It will be quite important in later events.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we are gathered here today to join in holy matrimony Maggie of Rohan, daughter of Viggo, and Aragorn II, son of Arathorn II, son of Arador, son of Argonui, son of Arathorn I, son of Arassuil, son of Arahad II, son of Aravorn, son of Aragost, son of Arahad I, so of Araglas, son of Aragorn I, son of Aravir, son of Aranuir, son of Arahael, son of Aranarth, son of Arvedui, son of Araphant, son of Araval, son of Arveleg II, son of Arvegil, son of Argeleb II, son of Araphor, son of Arveleg I, son of Argeleb I, son of Malvegil, son of Celebrindor, son of Celepharn, son of Mallor, son of Beleg, son of Amlaith of Fornost, son of Earendur, son of Elendur, son of Valandur, son of Tarondor, son of Tarcil, son of Arantar, son of Eldacar, son of Valandil, son of Isildur, son of Elendil.

"Aragorn, do you take Maggie to be your wife?"

"I do."

"And Maggie, do you take Aragorn to be your husband?"

"I do!"

"Then, with the power invested in me by the Valar (because they are cool dudes!) I now pronounce you….husband and wife! All hail the King and Queen of Gondor and Arnor!"

"All hail King and Queen Aragorn!" the crowd began to chant.

"You may kiss the bride!"

And Aragorn did. For a looooong time.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Pass me the spade," called Kathleen to Sam. They were out in Mister Frodo's garden, weeding the garden of everything but the weeds.

"This was an excellent idea for revenge on Frodo," commented Kathleen. "Pulling out all the flowers and leaving all the weeds…classic."

"I know," smiled Sam. He pulled a patch of daisies from the ground and handed them to Kathleen. "Here…these are for you."

"Aw…thank you!" cried Kathleen. She picked up the flowers and sniffed them. They smelled wonderful. "You are so sweet, Sam. I'm actually kind of happy Rosie had an affair with Frodo. If she didn't, I wouldn't have fallen in love with you."

"Yes, me too," said Sam. "But I am still a little mad at Frodo for going behind my back. I followed him through Mordor, I carried him up the slopes of Mount Doom, and how does he repay me? He steals my wife! I should have pushed him in that big fiery mountain when I had the chance."

"Which is why we're weeding his garden," said Kathleen. "Ahh…I love the sweet taste of revenge more then anything!"

"Even more than this?" said Sam, and then he kissed her gently.

"Alright, not more then anything," smiled Kathleen. She pulled up a handful of flowers and threw them over the hill behind her.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Tell me, Lord Elrond, about this war that has taken my one true love away," said Krystla.

Elrond got up and sat down next to Krystla, putting his arm around her. "We are fighting the evil Carrotonians. They are people who live in the woods of Mirkwood and the only thing they eat are carrots. They are usually a peaceful people, but then their carrot crop died. Now they will go to any lengths to get carrots…even stealing them from us."

"So let me get this straight…you are in a war because some people stole carrots? That's it?" asked Krystla. She was shocked. "They're just carrots! What's the big deal? Elves don't even like carrots!"

"That's not the point!" said Elrond. "It matters not what they are stealing, the point is that they are stealing. It's wrong, and we need to teach them that, even if means death."

"You mean to say my one true love might die over some stolen CARROTS?!?" cried Krystla. "You idiots! I am going out to find him! My Legolas is *not* going to die over carrots!"

"Lady Krystla! Control yourself!" Elrond held her down with his strong, but not rugged and manly, hands.

"How can I control myself?" yelled Krystla, eyes flashing with anger. "How would you feel if your one true love was going to die over a CARROT? I'm going to go out there and find him!"

"But- but- you'll die!"

"If I die, then at least I will be dead with Legolas."

"Then at least let me come with you. I shall protect you at all costs, even if it means death. Then at least you will be safe."

"Why do you care so much about my safety all of a sudden?" asked Krystla suspiciously.

"Because- because- you're, you're…uh, pregnant! That's it, pregnant! If you die, two lives will be lost! I would not be able to live with the guilt," said Elrond, thinking quickly.

"Well, I guess you can come, but only because I want to protect my child," said Krystla.

"Good," said Elrond. "We depart from Rivendell at noon."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Lord Aragorn, now that we are wed, maybe we should return to Rohan and see what the King Eomer wanted of you," suggested Maggie.

"Good idea. The Lord Eomer was never a patient one, was he?" said Aragorn.

"No, he wasn't."

"Then we shall set forth to Rohan at noon. It is settled."

At noon, a great company went forth from the palace in Minas Tirith heading for Edoras, and the Golden Halls of King Eomer. Those halls were called Meduseld. As they rode on they suddenly saw the great city of Edoras, and Aragorn began to sing…

__

"Where now the horse and the rider? Where is the horn that was blowing?

Where is the helm and the hauberk, and the bright hair flowing?

Where is the hand on the harp string, and the red fern growing?

Where is the spring and the harvest and the tall corn growing?

They have passed like rain on the mountain, like a wind in the meadow;

The days have gone down in the West behind the hills into shadow.

Who shall gather the smoke of the dead wood burning,

Or behold the flowing years from the Sea returning?"

After Aragorn's song, all was calm, quiet, and still.

Probably because his so-called "singing" had scared everyone away.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Elrond and Krystla rode off from Rivendell on the fastest horse present, and headed towards the battlefield. When they arrived there were Elf bodies everywhere, and no sign of the enemy.

"Where's Legolas?" cried Krystla. "Help me look for him! He will be the one with no pants."

"EWWWWWW!" cried Elrond. "Ew, gross! I'll just stand over here behind this nice, convenient tree while *you* look for him."

"Fine then! Abandon me in our time of trial! That shows how much you care for me!" yelled Krystla. "I'll look for Legolas by myself."

Elrond thought about this for awhile. Krystla wouldn't love him if he abandoned her in this time of ultimate peril. He had to keep Krystla's love, even if it meant seeing Legolas without his pants. So Elrond jumped out from behind the nice, convenient tree and began to look for Legolas.

Suddenly, a carrot came whizzing at him from behind another nice, convenient tree. He ducked, however, and yelled "Krystla! We're under attack!"

He pulled out his Elven bow and began to shoot. Krystla did the same, but it was no use. There were to many Carrotonians. "Retreat!" yelled Elrond. "Back to Rivendell! Hurry!"

"But I must find Legolas!" sobbed Krystla. "I cannot live without him!"

"You will not live at all if you don't retreat NOW!" yelled Elrond. "Get on the horse! Hurry!"

The two got on the horse and were about to ride away when…

WHIZ.

A carrot whizzed into Elrond's open mouth and went down his throat. Krystla caught him before he fell off the horse and yelled "Elrond! Are you okay?" She tried to pull the carrot out of his throat, but it was no use. The Lord of Rivendell was dead.

His last words were, "Krystla…I love you."

And then he took his last breath, and it was all over…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

When Kathleen and Sam came back from "weeding" Frodo's garden, they were exhausted, dirty, and overcome with laughter. Sam had leaned in for another kiss, but Kathleen shoved dirt in his face instead. That began a great dirt fight. Dirt was flying everywhere, including the open window of Bag End. Frodo was not pleased, and they had retreated before he could discover it was they who threw the dirt.

Sam spent that night at Kathleen's house, because he had no where else to go. Kathleen let him use the guest bed in the spare room to sleep. After washing up, Kathleen crawled into her own bed and picked up her novel for a quick read before bed. She was so enthralled with the book that she lost track of time.

Kathleen finally glanced at the clock. "Oh my! It's ten past two in the morning already! Goodness gracious me!" She closed the book and set it down on her nightstand, and then turned to see Sam sitting at the foot of her bed.

"Hullo," said Sam, when he saw Kathleen glance at him.

"How long have you been sitting there?" Kathleen said suspiciously.

"About two hours and ten minutes," replied Sam. "But it's only seemed like five seconds, since I'm staring at you."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Then Krystla sang a Lament for Elrond. It was a sad, sad song of carrots and sadness. Then she sang a happy song. It was happy, because Elrond was dead and she thought he was icky! Then she sang another sad song, about lost love. And carrots. And pants. No pants. Like Legolas.

Then Legolas said - wait! Where did Legolas come from?!? Oh, no, it's okay, he just stepped out from behind another nice, convenient tree. He had no pants. Then Legolas said "I love you, Krystla."

Then Krystla said, "I love you too, and I am never going to let you leave again."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And then the black death came and everyone died.

THE END.

P.S. Everyone died except for Sauron.

P.P.S. Because he is cool.

P.P.P.S. And has a cool eye.

P.P.P.P.S. We like his eye.

P.P.P.P.P.S. It talks to us when we die on the video game.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S We don't have anything more to say, we just wanted another post script.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Goodbye!

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. We love you!

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. REVIEW!


End file.
